On saying "No"

I think it started with an overreaction to realizing hitting children is ineffective (and abusive in most cases). But there seems to be a whole generation of parents that now think it is wrong to say no to their children. Not only is it not wrong, it's necessary and part of our jobs to teach children how to behave.

I am a fan of saying yes whenever possible. I disagree with trying to get children to behave like us and telling them they can never run, never yell, never play with themselves. But there are times and places for behaviors (such as at the playground, not inside, or in private). If we say yes whenever it is okay (even if their behavior is annoying at times) it is easier for them to hear when we say no. And in order to encourage their curiousity we need to allow them to explore and feel confident by saying yes as often as possible.

Children being children however, there will be plenty of times when saying no is the right response. And while children will resist just about any boundary we give them, they not only need them, they actually make them feel safer and more secure. Children look to us for the guidelines for their behavior.

The result of not saying no is the worst kind of spoiled child. In an attempt to make a child happy by not saying no, the result is actually the opposite. Spoiled children are rarely happy. They whine when they don't get what they want. They throw fits if you try to say no or direct their behavior. And they have not learned how to control those emotions.

Most parents say no sometimes, but easily cave to whining. We've all seen a child in a store ask a parent for something, the parent say no, and then the kid start to whine or throw a full on fit. If the parent holds strong to the no, maybe needing to leave the store until the child calms down, the child is disappointed, but will get over it. If the parent gives in to the whining (or tantrum) the child learns that whining (or screaming) will get them what they want and they will do it again. This is a teachable moment, but the lesson is not a good one.

Some parents actually choose to never say no. This extreme produces a child that is hardly ever happy. Right now I hear my neighbors child screaming. This is not uncommon. She never seems happy, always demands for things instead of asking, and tells her parents what to do and what not to do. Her parents are very loving, gentle, spiritual people. And they are raising a spoiled brat. They do this out of love, and a desire to spare her feelings, but the result is she is one of the most miserable children I have ever known.

No child likes to hear no, or to have to modify their behavior. But by saying no while still being sensitive to their feelings, we teach them how to deal with disappointment, interact with other people, and be happy with what they have. And ultimately it is much easier and healthier for them to learn how to deal with no when it comes from a place of love and teaching, than in the real world without that level of love and trust.

Baby Signs

I love using signs with babies. It alleviates so much frustration during the time when they know what they want, but don't have either the cognitive or physical ability to express it in spoken language.

Today I had a breakthrough with O using the sign for more. This is the sign that I have found to be among the most useful, and one I've been working on with her since she was about 6 months. Now, at 13 months she's using it. Though not always appropriately. But today she clearly was signing more indicating that she wanted more of the broccoli eggs I had made for her lunch.

To get her to successfully use the sign, I would occasionally put her hands together for her to prompt her to not only watch but make the sign. Today, whenever she would yell for more eggs I would instead gently encourage her to do the sign. And as soon as she made the sign (even if it only sort of looked right) I would reinforce it by immediately giving her what she wanted more of, in this case the egg.

She looked positively delighted! And I am hopeful for less yelling and more communication very quickly.